Itsy bitsy spider
by niagaraweasel
Summary: Eddie has a close encounter of the eight-legged kind - and Fiona gets more than she bargained for... Was supposed to be a one-shot, but inspiration struck, so I added a second chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Keen Eddie and intend no copyright infringement**

RIIIIIIIINNNGGG! RIIIIIIIINNNGGG! RIIIIIIIINNNGGG!

The shrill sound of the alarm clock bored through Eddie's sleep-fogged brain like a laser drill. Sluggishly he rolled over to shut it off, groaning as sore and bruised muscles protested every movement.

Their latest perp had had the brilliant idea to try and make a run for it in a subway station – oh wait, they called the damn thing "the Tube" over here – he had tackled the guy and they had ended up tumbling down a short flight of steps.

He had hoped that a good night's sleep would make him feel better, but if anything this morning he felt even worse. He couldn't be getting too old for this, could he? Well, maybe a long hot shower would help – provided he could get there without running into Fiona. He was _so_ not up for one of their verbal sparring matches right now…. Sometimes he wondered just how much of their near-constant bickering had sort of become part of their daily routine and how much was because she truly did not like him….

Just getting out of bed required almost more effort than he was willing to expand right now, but he finally made it to his bedroom door and cautiously peeked out into the hallway. Good, the coast was clear, no sign of his flatmate. Maybe she had already left for work.

The stairs up to the first floor bathroom proved to be as daunting as climbing Mount Everest, but eventually he made it. Turning on the shower, he waited until the water was hot enough before getting out of his t-shirt and sweat pants and stepping into the shower.

The hot water pounding on his shoulders and back felt like heaven. He leaned his outstretched arms against the wall of the shower and closed his eyes to revel in the wonderful feeling. But as much as he'd love to stay where he was for about an hour or two, he had a ton of paperwork to get through at the office – and most probably another case already waiting for him.

Still keeping his eyes closed, he reached blindly for the shampoo bottle….. only to find something tickling against the back of his hand. Something that felt suspiciously like crawling little feet…. His eyes flew open and he found himself looking at the biggest, ugliest spider he had ever seen this side of the Atlantic.

For a moment he felt as if his heart had simply stopped. Then he jumped back with an admittedly undignified yelp – good thing Fiona wasn't anywhere around to hear it, she would never let him live this down – and frantically shook his hand to get rid of it. Barely managing to remember to wrap a towel around his waist, he clambered out of the tub and out of the bathroom. Yes, it was illogical and cowardly, but right now he needed to have a closed door between himself and the spider. Once outside in the relative safety of the hallway, he leaned against the wall to catch his breath before lack of oxygen could become a problem.

Unfortunately, fate just didn't seem to be on his side this morning. Footsteps on the stairs could mean only one thing – Fiona had _not_ already left for work and for some reason or other was coming up here.

Fiona walked up the stairs to her bedroom, carrying an armful of clothes that she had taken out of the dryer –and stopped dead at the sight that greeted her in the hallway: Eddie Arlette, dripping wet and wearing nothing more than a rather soggy towel around his waist, was leaning against the wall beside the bathroom door, panting as if he'd just run a marathon and looking for all the world like he had just seen a ghost – and a pretty gruesome one at that….

"What on Earth is going on here?" she asked, trying to put the usual amount of exasperation with her brash, annoying flatmate into her voice, which was not as easy as it should have been, when she could hear a little voice inside her mind whispering "_don't complain, just enjoy the view"_ and when a small part of her that should have been buried _very_ deeply noticed that Eddie had started to shiver in the draughty hallway.

"There's a goddamn big sp-" _Stop! Don't give her any more ammunition than she already has_, a warning voice shrilled in his mind, "…problem with the shower!" Eddie answered.

"Oh. Strange, I didn't notice anything wrong this morning. Do you want me to take a look?" Before Eddie could come up with an answer, Fiona had already opened the door and stepped into the bathroom. Looking around cautiously, suspecting another of Eddie's pranks, although somehow he had looked too rattled for that, she did not seen any immediate problem, until she happened to look into the tub and saw the "big problem" perched on the rim of the drain, about to be washed down by the still running water. A spider. One of the usual household variety that you found in every house now and then. Luckily she didn't have to do anything about it, she could just wait until the water did the job for her. For a second she contemplated manoeuvring the spider into one of the glasses standing on the washbasin and taking it out through the back door, but she wasn't too keen on coming any closer to it than she had to. But if she only _pretended_ to have caught the spider...

With a positively evil grin she threw the armful of clothes through the second door into her bedroom, turned off the shower, grabbed one of the opaque glasses and put her hand on top of it before leaving the bathroom again. Just as she had hoped, Eddie was still leaning against the wall in the hallway.

"I found your problem," she announced. "Actually, it wasn't all that big… just about that size…" she continued, holding her thumb and index finger an inch or so apart, while still keeping the rest of her hand firmly clasped over the glass. She had to bite the inside of her lip to keep from grinning at the wary, disgusted look Eddie threw at the glass –and at her for holding it – as he attempted a more or less dignified retreat back down the hallway. Fiona suddenly seemed to stumble over an invisible fold in the carpet and the glass flew from her hand. With a definitely undignified yelp, Eddie jumped back –only to trip over the dog, who had trotted up the stairs to see what all the commotion was about. Eddie barely managed to keep from falling flat on his ass as he frantically tried to keep the towel around his waist from slipping. Unfortunately, Pete seemed to regard the flapping towel as a new and interesting toy. He clamped his teeth into one corner of it, gave an almighty tug and raced off with his prize.

For a second Eddie stood as if frozen, wishing for all the world, that the ground would open up and swallow him. He could feel the mother of all blushes erupting all over his body. Well, at least he had his back turned to Fiona – who by now had possibly died of laughter at his expense. He visibly shook himself and with a roar that would have scared of at least half a dozen tigers, raced back downstairs.

Totally taken by surprise at the unforeseen twist her plan had taken, Fiona could only stare open-mouthed and blushing at the delectable view of Eddie's naked backside. She was _so_ going to pay for this little stunt, but it had been _so_ worth it – in more than one way, although that was something she would never in a million years admit to anyone.

**A/N: BIG thanks to cedricsowner for providing inspiration for the ending of this story.**


	2. Chapter 2

Back in the relative safety of his bedroom, Eddie sagged against the door and closed his eyes. Could this day get any worse? Rather than providing Fiona with even more of a spectacle, he had decided to let Pete keep the towel, if the damned dog wanted it that much, but now he was really feeling chilly, the relief from the hot shower had already dissipated again and his bed looked so inviting…..For a moment he contemplated actually calling in sick. What he wouldn't give for a massage right now. _Yeah, so not going to happen…_

With a sigh he moved away from the door. He had to get dressed at some point; the room was definitely not warm enough to stand around buck-naked, and Fiona had already appeared at exactly the wrong moment once today, so there was no sense in delaying the inevitable.

Meanwhile Fiona was having second thoughts. That pesky little voice in her mind was getting quite insistent. _That really was a pretty rotten trick, _it said. And perhaps it had been, even if the end result had been more than she could ever have imagined. What if Eddie had played a similar trick on her? She actually shuddered at the thought. Maybe she should go down and apologize… With a put-upon sigh she walked down the stairs.

In light of recent events she decided to give Eddie a little warning this time, instead of just barging into his room as she did sometimes. "I hope you're decent, I'm coming in," she called through the door. Not really waiting for an answer she opened the door and stepped inside to find Eddie sitting on the side of the bed, apparently struggling to put on his trousers. If the half-suppressed groans and the occasional wince were any indication, something was definitely wrong. And Fiona was pretty sure it had nothing to do with the spider.

"Looks like you had a pretty rough day yesterday, huh?" she said, moving closer until she was standing at the foot of the bed.

At the sound of her voice, Eddie quickly turned to face her. A little too quickly for his sore muscles; he barely managed to suppress a groan as something in his shoulder vehemently protested the sudden movement. _Owwww, damn…._ He tried to reach up to rub at the aching spot, only to find his hand batted away by Fiona. She had moved around the bed and was now kneeling behind him with her hands on his shoulders. When she started gently kneading the tense muscles, for a second his instinctive reaction was to stiffen and pull away. This couldn't really be happening. It had to be another one of her pranks – it just had to be.

"What are….. You know you don't have to…..mmmmmmmmmm "

"Yes, I know I don't have to. And ordinarily I wouldn't even consider it, but since you're obviously in no shape to catch any more criminals like this, I'll just think of it as doing my share to help keep London safe…" Fiona answered, never stopping what she was doing. "So just relax and let me do this, before I change my mind."

"Okay…." Eddie mumbled, too lost in the wonderful feeling of her hands on his skin to really care if it was a trick or not.

After a few moments of silence, Fiona realized that if she really wanted to do the job properly – and if she was honest with herself she had to admit that that _was _what she wanted – she'd need some kind of massage oil. Hmmmm…. hadn't someone given her something like that for her last birthday?

As soon as Fiona took her hands away and stood up, the words "For God's sake, don't stop" slid out of Eddie's mouth before his brain could engage enough to stop them. Something inside Fiona seemed to melt like butter in the sun at the pleading look in his eyes.

"Don't worry, I won't. I just need to get something first. Just lie down and relax, I'll be back in a few minutes."

Upstairs, Fiona rummaged through a drawer. Ah, there it was….. yes, that should work perfectly. Especially if she warmed it up a little first. A minute or two in warm water should do the trick.

Back in Eddie's bedroom she found that he had stretched out face down on the bed with his head pillowed on his arms. The look he gave her when she sat down beside him and put the massage oil bottle on the nightstand hovered so much between "please go on and don't stop this time" and "this can't be real, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop", that Fiona silently vowed not to think even one unkind or mischievous thought for the next few minutes.

As soon as she poured some of the warm oil on his back, Eddie couldn't suppress another moan, the heat was so soothing. Then he inhaled deeply. "Jeez, what is that stuff, a pack of melted cough drops?"

Just this once Fiona firmly decided not to take offense. "No, silly, it's a special massage oil with essential oil of eucalyptus and cinnamon leaf oil. It's supposed to deliver a feeling of heat to relax and loosen up the muscles," she explained, putting the bottle back on the nightstand. Then she put her palms on Eddie's back and slowly and gently, with slight pressure, moved her hands around in small circles to spread out the oil and feel for places with the worst knots and tightness. Neck and upper back definitely, across the shoulders and, well to be honest, everywhere she could reach. For a few moments she just let her hands roam aimlessly.

"Holy sh….. mmmmmmmm….. oh god, Fiona, that feels wonderful. I know I'm seriously going to regret this, but whatever it takes, please don't stop…."

Fiona kept up the gentle stroking, kneading Eddie's neck and shoulders and moving the heels of her hands up and down his spine.

While Fiona was secretly enjoying her task, Eddie was trying not to spontaneously combust under her surprisingly gentle ministrations. The feeling of Fiona's hands roaming over his back was better than he could ever have imagined. Every once in a while he flinched when she found a really tender spot, but her murmured "sorry" and even gentler touch in that area let him relax again and almost drift off to sleep.

Fiona reached down again, pressing a little harder with her thumbs from the waistband of Eddies trousers all the way up to the base of his neck, then back down again with her fingertips. She moved her hands apart slightly and continued up and down, feeling the muscles loosen and Eddie relax more with each stroke.

After a few more minutes she realized that she had worked out as many of the knots and tightness as she could – and that Eddie had fallen asleep. With a smile that could almost be considered tender – good thing Eddie wasn't awake to see it – she pulled the cover over him, gathered the massage oil bottle and left the room. Guess she would have to call Scotland Yard to let them know that Eddie wouldn't be in to work today…..


End file.
